Simon, undoubtedly exhaling the Divine Nectar

He's been there a lot during his earthly incarnation, and now he's there for quite a while. 49 earth days, if we must believe the Tibetan Book of the Dead.

Simon is a very inspiring Dutch artist, writer of poetry and prose. I'm especially touched by the few occasions that I met him in real life. His energy is that of a child, constantly exploring, never depleted.

Recorded some horsing around on the piano

GEM novoPiano DP-25

Finally, one of my dreams just came true: a weighed master keyboard in my studio! It's a GEM novoPiano DP-25, and it's huge, and it plays like a charm. Here's a random eBay photo. I think I'll make some good studio pics soon.

It's been quite a while that Door of Perception and I grew apart. We're still in touch every now and then. Until today there has been a picture of Dorien and me behind the Contact button in the menu. I put some mangos there for now.

Psychedelic shamanism is one of the many archaic techniques of healing that suffers oppression and rejection. Thanks to my dear girlfriend Dorien, however, many more westerners shall be given the opportunity to explore what's really in and out there. Doortje, thanks to you many more will find out about their true strengths and that they can break every chain of evil, and put an end to their destructive patterns. Check out the Dutch foundation O.P.E.N., who are, like M.A.P.S., embracing an academic world in which research into mental extensions is common sense. Door of Perception, you rock for real, and you're the sweetest, most beautiful and most understanding karmic sparring partner imaginable!

Nice youtube video, especially the last half.

This is one of the comments on that video, and it seems to contain some wise insights:
Freedom from slavery! Woman seduces. There should be no attachment between couples. Walk freely and connect out of bliss, not out of need. When you meditate deeply you realize lust is your own joy projected outward. Just observe lust deeply, don't fight - it gets transformed. Only then you can truly Love when you are free. Then connect with shakti and there is dance, but no slavery. Connect but remain ALWAYS in your center (until enlightenment). The moment there is need for someone, suffer & boredom follows.

Woohoo I found a new job! I work as a narrator for adult DVD's now, doing the sexy lady sounds. I practiced a bit this morning, check it out here.

My current studio, with my new speakers. One fell from the
backpack during the 30km bicycle ride back, and inherited
a beautiful dent.

For the absurd amount of 80 euros I picked up a set of Spirit Absolute 2s. In total it took me around 60km of cycling. The sound is awesome!! Can't wait to be writing.

I tried this auto fellatio thing a few more times, and it's amazing to see how much progress one can make with hardly any effort. I don't want to get into too much detail at this point, but the last time I tried it wasn't about just being able to reach the tip with a lot of effort or whatever...

10th century temple in Khajuraho, Northern India

I was doing some stretching the other day, and I noticed how close my crotch was to my head. It was so close, that it made me think of auto fellatio. It seemed far from impossible, so I made a mental note to try this out soon.

Zillions of tantric statues, supposedly some of which
performing auto fellatio, but I didn't find 'm yet

Through the course of my life, every so many years I've had this dream in which I'm doing this. I tried it out in Earthly 3D once or twice, but I couldn't even remotely reach it, and forgot about it.

Last night, however, I was successful in pretty much one go. Afterwards I was laughing my ass off, so I guess I can recommend it (as long as you're careful).

Hundreds of different mangos, charas, and this.... :) :) *sigh*

I was lying on a matrass, on my back with my head on a pillow, and my feet behind my neck. My head was at the end of the matrass, so my feet were reaching for the ground. During full arousal, while pushing my pelvis down, I was able to reach myself!

I just tried it again this morning, but apparently I wasn't loosened up enough yet.

The solar panels themselves (3x 50 watts)

The rest of the power station. Total cost: 600 euros

I can do most of my work on solar power now. I live together with 2 good friends in a house in the center of The Hague, and we installed 3 solar panels, each delivering 40 to 50 watts during peak luminescence.

We have >400ah of battery storage, which means I can make music for 10 hours in a row if I feel like it, even during the night.

Essential Mix started in 1993 and is basically BBC Radio 1 inviting a certain DJ every weekend to put together a mix. This weekend it was Joris Voorn, and he starts his mix with the intro of a song that I'm currently working on, called "Singing Stars". A couple of tracks later he plays "Weird Friend", a much older track, featuring me trying to play the sitar.

You can download this Essential Mix over here: http://thepiratebay.org/torrent/4856235/

It goes from downtempo to dancefloor. Here's the full tracklisting:
Izmar Feat. Avi ‘Singing Stars’ (Unreleased)
Blamstraim ’Fraim Math’ (Sending Orbs)
Joakim ’Tanabata’ (Versatile)
The Aloof ’Morning Spangle’ (Eastwest)
Andrew Bird ’Effigy’ (Fat Possum Records)
Izmar ’Weird Friend’ (Unreleased)
The Detroit Experiment ’A Tast Of Tribe’ (Planet E)
Biosphere ’Mir’ (Apollo)
Apparat ’Fractales Pt.2’ (Shitkatapult)
Nikolaj Grandjean ’First Picture’ (Sonar Kollektive)
Bola ’Aguilla’ (Skam)
Pete Namlook & Jochem Paap ‘Cll T M Frnd’
Minilogue, Decoy, Imps ‘Almost Live But Definitely Plugged (Move D Remix)‘ (Mule Electronic)
Manoo ’Abyss’ (Deeply Rooted House)
Azuni ’Use Me’ (Sthlmaudio Recordings)
Code 718 ‘Equinox (Henrik Schwarz Dub)’ (Strictly Rhythm)
Guy Noir ‘Delusion (Argy Big Room Dub)’ (District Of Corruption)
Ben Klock ’Subzero’ (Ostgut Tontraeger)
Yagya ‘Rigning Nu’ (Sending Orbs)
Filippo Moscatello ‘Furio Wild Beach’ (Mood Music)
A:Xis ’Suite Disappointment’ (Rebirth)
Model 500 ’The Flow’ (Frank De Wulf Remix)’ (R&S)
Ame ’Doldrums’ (Innervisions)
Milton Jackson ’The Rhythm Track (Jimpster Remix)’ (Freerange)
Loko ’Black House’ (Soulman)
Masomenos ’Ladies’ (Welcome To Masomenos)
Dop, Markus Homm, Feygin ‘Budva (Slum Dop Remix)’ (Dyinamic)
Erenesto Ferreyra ’Osmosis’ (Thema Recordings)
Matt Nordstrom & Orlando Villegas ’Spanglish’ (Saved)
Quince ‘Electric’ (Delsin)
Hermanez ’Marrakech (Martinez Remix)’ (Miconn Records)
Joris Voorn ’Empty Trash’ (Rejected)
Radio Slave ’Sundazed’ (Rekids)
Slam ‘Positive Education (Paul Ritch Remix)’ (Soma)
Joris Voorn ’Sweep The Floor’ (Rejected)
I:Cube ’Supernovac (Joris Voorn Unofficial Edit)’ (Versatile)
Nuno Dos Santos & Patrice Baumel ’Untitled’ (Rejected)
Tadeo ’Metro’ (Cyclical Tracks)
Tadeo ’Singo De Intrusin’ (Cyclical Tracks)
Tadeo ’Transmission’ (Cyclical Tracks)
Autechre ‘Nine’ (Warp)
Teddy Douglas, Luis Radio ‘The Violin (5 Mile House Mix)’ (Basement Boys)
Wigald Boning ’Kobra Dance (Joris Voorn Interpretation)’ (Compost)
Ripperton ’Random Violence’ (Unreleased)
Carl Craig ’Es.30’ (Planet E)
Kettel ‘Mannschaft’ (Sending Orbs)
Sigur Ros ’Heysåtan’ (Emi)
Pj Harvey & John Parish ‘Cracks In The Canvas’ (Island Records)

Once upon a day the bio-chemical element that could be responsible for bonding the baby with the mother through breastfeeding was discovered: casomorphine. This is, as far as I understand, a group of molecules, derived from caseine, which is a collection of types of molecules rather than one kind as well.

Many dairy products contain substantial amounts of caseine, which gets to be converted into casomorphine, somewhere in the digestive tract (the intestines, if I recall correctly). Being an opiate it binds to the opioid receptors, like other opiates such as kratom (Mytragina speciosa), heroine, and morphine.

Give this to your baby

I would not be surprised if this molecule is capable of acting as a psychotropic in the central nervous system of babies of any kind of mammal, inducing feelings such as "Hmmm... yummy..." and "I wanna do this again!"

In the same way, I would not be surprised if companies like Mars and Nestle purposefully use these psychotropics, sometimes obfuscated, distributed over 2 or more seemingly different ingredients, though both essentially providing for that shot of caseine. Here follow some of the names of ingredients that, I think, are purposefully not replaced by non-psychoactive substances:

• milk
• lactose
• yoghurt
• whey (Dutch: wei)

Especially things like M&M's, lots of drinks and juices, lots of candy, >95% of all crisps by Croky, Lay's, etc., cookies, cooking sauces, pretty much most of processed food gets spiked by one of those ingredients.

Almost all chocolate gets spiked with milk-derivatives. You're getting laid off soooo bad purchasing any chocolate of the big brands. Who's meaning to buy cocoa beans picked by child slaves? And I don't think anyone asked for roasting the f*ck out of 'm, which causes the beans to lose their anandamide. Yep, ladies, and gentlemen alike, that's the substance responsible for that supposed chocolate effect that nobody really had, because of exactly this practice in the food industry.

Anandamide is a cannabinoid, by the way, so it binds to the same receptors as cannabis. On top of that, anandamide is not only produced in the Theobroma cacao, it's also produced by ourselves.

Conversation with filmmaker Jan Kounen (2007)

Conversation with painter/vegetalista Pablo Amaringo (2007)

Chimeria visionary arts festival report (2007)

I fucking hate my life large parts of the day for a few weeks now. I have this every so many years, and it's always part of a transformation where I come out better than before.

Although I feel pretty good the rest of the day, and sometimes even ecstatic, I want to focus on the fucked up part now.

Around half of the day I feel like utter shit, I feel as bad as I am able to feel. I feel lonely, deserted, bored, lustless, deserted again, inhumane, vile... I just sit here, 0 inspiration for music, 0 energy to fiddle around on the keys/synths/whatever. They're fucking building next door, starting at 6:30 in the morning--bye bye peace. I feel so shitty and sad and deserted, that I just try to sleep for some hours in the middle of the day to escape being conscious (of this dimension anyway...).

There's something simple that can soothe me and catalyse the whole process--someone who loves and understands me holding me for a while in silence, or simply saying everything's ok. Nevertheless, the odd few times in my life that I really needed this, nobody has been around. Like straight after I was born. Or like when my mother died. My girlfriend, who didn't give a shit about me anyways, wasn't around, and I couldn't reach her on the phone. I saw her a week later or something, and she still didn't really care. And like a bunch of years ago I was feeling like total shit, and it took months before someone wanted to give me some warmth from the heart. I hardly knew her before that. All the people I was regularly seeing at that time, were busy with other things. It's like they didn't care. What does that mean anyway, when people say they care about you, that they love you? It doesn't mean shit, if you ask me. They scare the fuck out when the going gets tough is what it means apparently.

Fuck that fucking shit. There's probably good reasons and all, but I really don't care anymore. I feel like reconsidering killing myself, but that makes me feel even worse, because I know I won't do it, so I feel like I'm in an even smaller box with less choices than before.

Why the fuck do I deserve or need this? I feel like saying 'FUCK YOU!!' to everything and everyone. I've gone through so much shit. How much more to wade through? What's the point?

Most of my friends and the people I love react pretty much the same. Everybody wants to give their expert fucking advice on how I should deal with my sadness. Most of 'm are implying there might be something bad about how I deal with it right now.

"Take good care of yourself ok?" Fuck you.
"Don't end up in a negative spiral!" Fuck you too.
"Don't spend too much time thinking about your shit." FUCK YOU EVEN MORE!! And fuck you again, this time threeways.

I don't need that shit. JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING RIGHT TO FEEL SAD!! Isn't that everyone's godgiven right, to just be goddamned grievous about fucked up things? Everybody's giving me the impression there's something wrong with the way I deal with my shit. First of all, it's none of your fucking business until I specifically ask for advice. Second, after being thrown in cesspool after cesspool, shouldn't I know a little bit about myself? I just need a bit of love, that's what I ask for, but people refuse to give it.

So I'll keep burbling in this pool of cess until I've bootstrapped myself up in order to be able to love myself again. Fuck other people, they're always around, except when you really really could use some support. I guess I'm destined to become an untouched monstrous sad hermit. Maybe I will hate humanity and myself and life itself for the rest of my life.

People are worthless horrible creatures. I'd like to be dead, somewhere else, or I'd like to be different. I hate everything.

Alright, time to save myself. Again. No father, no mother, no titnectar, no family, a pedophile, fucked up family life, whatever man... I'm getting used to this routine of saving myself. Another tough lesson going "when it comes down to it, you're alone". Well thank you, oh mighty holy cosmos for that shitty fucking lesson. I've been alone enough, so fuck you. I hope I soon have the money to leave this dump called 'society' that turns everyone into monsters and zombies. Fuck you all.

The samurai has changed his mind. Instead
of harakiri he performed a special
meditation technique transforming him into
a durian loving urang-utan.

Exactly 1 year ago I moved to The Hague where I met an angel. I fell in love and my love for her is still growing.

Along the road are also some bumps, and I've written about them on my site extensively.

Last night, however, has been Heaven on Earth! To be continued...

A samurai performs harakiri when there
is no use for his skills anymore

I hate this woman right now I'm in love with for about a year now. Even though we feel great when we are together, and even though she loves me, and even though she's in love with me, she doesn't want to see me regularly and get close with me.

Often I'm just sitting here in my room for hours and hours feeling pathetic about myself, feeling lonely, just wanting to see her. In the afternoon I feel so bored and fucked up that I try to sleep. I feel sad being in bed by myself all the time. But the only thing I feel I can do sometimes is to roll up like a foetus and... well... muster all the warmth of myself and the synthetic blankets. What a happy life.

I hate this world. I don't see what's the point of living. I don't see what's the point of falling in love, what's the point of all this pain. I thought I've experienced enough pain. Apparently not.

fuck fuck fuck fuck I can't stand the pain

And she's not replying to my messages anymore, she's just ignoring me. That's what she can do, just go around and do things without thinking about me, without caring about me, not reply to the phone for days. She doesn't give a shit about me, is what it feels like.

But noooo... there's all kinds of complex emotional algorithms apparently. She does love me and care about me, but she needs space and time for herself. Yeah right. I've had it with women I love. I thought I finally met a cool one, but it's the same all over. They don't give a shit about what they really feel, they're just a bunch of scared, arrogant don't-know-what-to-choosers. On top of that, they're pretty goddamned stupid. When I tell I need to cry about missing you, why the fuck doesn't that ring a bell like "Hellooo?!! Maybe this guy really loves you?!!"

In the meanwhile I'm stuck in this reptillian matrix forcing me to do all kinds of shit in order to just be surrounded by plants and animals and live there. I'm talking about work, passports, money, the whole fucking shit. I'm trapped. I feel like crying, puking, screaming for days and days. I want to be saved by a huge bird dragging me to undiscovered jungles.... Then there's a whole group of those birds, they take care of me, and give me love, and let me heal, and let me develop some kind of trust.

Yesterday and today I made a song that goes with this text. Hit play in the player, or download the track here.

I imagine that most kids with my background are pretty fucked up. My mom was living a relatively strange kind of life, living on the streets as a youngster, and got into all kinds of destructive habits. From what I know, she's been addicted to things like crack, coke, heroin, and alcohol most of her life. She was also a whore and schizophrenic, and the one time I met her, she literally told me she had sex with so many different guys, that she has no idea who must 've been my father. Her mother told me she was also raped at least once, by a group of five men. I imagine she got raped all the time, the state she was in.

After I left her womb, we immediately parted. I don't know if she even held me or hugged me -- I guess not. I heard she was pretty clear-minded during the actual delivery, but after I was born she went back to 'normal' (which in her case was not on this planet). I was taken to an orphanage, and never had the bliss of sucking the virtuous Nectar of Life from the Tits of my mother. Also I never had the bliss of someone caring for me from the heart, caressing me, just.... fucking being there. I try to imagine what it's like -- a building full of babies separated from their parents, and a bunch of random ladies running around trying to make the best of it. I try to imagine what it was like for me, and it makes me feel cold, horrible, disgusting, monstrous, ready to die.

I'm 27 now, and I'm still not sure what to make of all this. For about a year or two I've become aware of how my feminine side is developing, and it's a part of me that I started to love and care for. Simple things about me, like growing long hair, wearing a skirt (longi/sarong), and not eating meat, might be a part of this. I even mastered the Divine Female Moans and Groans of ecstasy. I still carry a lot of fear and hatred towards femininity, however. Damn how much I still fear and hate their sexuality, but while I'm writing this, I feel like I need to realtime sort out the following: it's not their sexuality, it's the shakti side of my own.

I've added a bunch of info to my live-performance in July in Lithuania. Basically, here's the website: http://tranzu.yra.lt/
I'll be performing the 4th of July, I think. It's taking place in Vilnius, the capital of Lithuania.

To find new ways of promoting my sounds, and of course to support the filesharing and peer2peer movement, I have put together a compilation called "I Love P2P".

"I Love P2P" contains 29 tracks and can be downloaded using the BitTorrent protocol. What this basically means is that most PC users will want to use uTorrent, and most Mac users want to get Transmission, or any other BitTorrent client. Many people already have something like this installed.

The moment I heard there's a Radiohead remix contest going on, I downloaded the torr..., erm, I mean I booted hackinto...erm...

Those were insider's jokes for the sharing pirates who are into nerdy insider's jokes. It doesn't matter if you don't get it.

But, to continue, of course I could 've installed iTunes on my Windows installation, but I don't like to do that. Having too much bloatware kind of ruins your system if you want to gear towards composing and producing.

But in osx8... I mean MacOS, iTunes is pretty cool, so I booted MacOS and I fired up iTunes and purchased the multi-track files for

Then I went composing, or remixing rather. You can check out the result here:
www.radioheadremix.com/remix/?id=1826

My friend Alex phoned me yesterday evening to say he's going to throw a nice acid techno party in January, in Amsterdam in the OT301. He also asked me to do a live-gig, with at least one real TB-303.

Those who've read my Empty Vision release announcement know what acid techno is. If you have the chance to come over, you should do it, because this is the greatest dance music on the planet! More news soon...

Date has just been confirmed: 19 January will be the true Amsterdam acid test... be there! :) :) :) aciiddd!!

• Glenda & Izmar - Cookie Preview V3 (5:05 hifi mp3 preview)

My first official release on CD

Straight before State of Monc were gonna hand in their remixed tunes to the masterdude for a repress of their album Clippertron, I decided to make a remix too and gave my version of Field X to them and they liked it.

Their 2xCD album Clippertron with my Asana Breakbeat Remix of Field X has just been released by Challenge, a big Dutch jazz label. I really like most of the other remixes that have been done for this bonus CD, and I'm happy to be on the same disc as a pretty wellknown Dutch MC, Pete Philly.

For legal reasons I am not allowed to give away the full length, full quality version of this song in downloadable format, but you can stream a fairly listenable full length version of it on myspace.com/izmarmusic.

To get the experience of the full sound quality of this track, you can download a 1 minute hifi mp3 of it:

• State of Monc - Field X (Izmar's Asana Breakbeat Remix) (60 seconds hifi mp3 preview)

A screenshot of ProTools on Dorien's
laptop disguises it as a studio

I finally made the decision to get some proper software. It's been well worth the money. The first two tunes I made in ProTools got an instant release! I was used to Logic Audio Platinum 5.5.1 for the PC.

I could sit here and talk for hours about how amazingly tight ProTools' grid is, which is just its main power, you know. I took this philosophy 1:1 from Funckarma. One of these brothers and I are becoming good friends through our mutual love for vaporizing, and of course the love for our main passion: music. Actually he's the real brain behind the warm, driving, sound of The Empty Vision... After that I did the Field X remix on my own with PT and it was love on first sight - and an instant CD release too!

For legal reasons I am not allowed to give away the full length, full quality versions of these songs in downloadable format, but you can stream a fairly listenable full length version of them on myspace.com/izmarmusic.

To get the experience of the full sound quality of these tracks, you can download a some hifi mp3 previews:

• The Empty Vision Preview 1 (45 seconds hifi mp3)
• The Empty Vision Preview 2 (45 seconds hifi mp3)
• State of Monc - Field X (Izmar's Asana Breakbeat Remix) (60 seconds hifi mp3 preview)

Cover idea for The Empty Vision
by Bart Vrancken, a.k.a. Skyer

Joris Voorn and I have known each other for at least... I don't know? 4 years? 6? I can't remember, but I was into London acid techno at the time. Don't think you know what this kind of music is because you know acid and you know techno. It is the best music for people who love uplifting 303s, both crunchy, raw, pounding, distorted and driving, as well as goa-trance-style-melodic, serene, uplifting, joyous, cosmic, melancholic, breakbeat driven full on psychedelic trance, but not the kind of full on that has been known in any trance scene of the past 5 years or so.

So anyway, I was really into that kind of thing. I love the Roland TR-909 (owned 2 once) and the Roland TB-303 (owned 3, while owning the 909s as well... the good ol' days... and some dude broke and entered my house, took the playstation, sleeping bag and sony laptop, but not my vintage analog gear... haha...). I still play acid techno at home sometimes. It's basically one of my favorites on the dancefloor, so if you know a place where they'll play the real stuff, like Routemaster, Stay Up Forever, Smitten, etc.... drop me a line. Or if you know a place where you want me to play this kind of thing - I'd love to get behind the decks for this cause.

So I met Joris because he had some records of this type for sale. Then he found out I knew a thing or two about analog synthesizers, and he really liked the sound of the Roland JUNO, so he asked me to go with him to look at a JUNO-106. He purchased it and immediately starting making groovy, really good produced, transparent, breathing electro-techno, often with a melodic harmonic touch. I released 2 of his tunes on my own record label, Line Records. He kept working and working on his career and he quickly became succesful.

He now has a label called Rejected, and when I was sending emails to most of my contacts saying I have a new phonenumber, I also attached the song I happened to have taken to the Funckarma studio the day before, so it sounded really crisp and tight and full and warm.

I'm talking about The Empty Vision, of course, and Joris just kind of popped out of the blue with an email saying he wanted to remix it and release the remix on the a-side and the original on the b-side of a Rejected 12", to be released through the electro/techno distribution channels, and perhaps more.

For legal reasons I am not allowed to give away the full length, full quality version of this song in downloadable format, but you can stream a fairly listenable full length version of it on myspace.com/izmarmusic.

To get the experience of the full sound quality of this track, you can download 2 hifi mp3s of 45 seconds of it:

• The Empty Vision - Preview 1 (45 seconds hifi mp3)
• The Empty Vision - Preview 2 (45 seconds hifi mp3)